Act II – playlet 06 – Karate


ALI: So he gave them all the cigarettes. I told him not too.

JOHN: It’s the Nigerian army innit.

ALI: You’ve heard me tell him not to. But he never listens.

JOHN: You see they ain’t just got guns, they got ju-jitsu. No wait…

ALI: You see it when his cheque comes in.

JOHN: No, I’ll teach you the ju-jitsu.

ALI: They all know it don’t they? They all come round.

JOHN: No, it’s karate mate. That’s what it is. See?

ALI: I mean they get him to come down and he just brings them beer. Cans and cigarettes.

JOHN: It’s the deadliest move innit. The kick to the throats. You see if I did it right now you you’d drop down just like that. That’s karate.

ALI: And then they just use it all up and he always says he’ll go out and get more. But you know what?

JOHN: Drop kick to the heart. Oops, sorry.

ALI: He’s mad. I have to tell him each time. Are. You. Mad?

JOHN: Remember I showed you them. Yeah like in the Nigerian army.

ALI: You. Know. Nothing. They’re. Just. Using. You.

JOHN: First you do this. Yeah?

ALI: He’ll never learn.

JOHN: It’s the whassname.

ALI: It’s like I’m having to tell everyone.

JOHN: You do that.

ALI: But it makes no difference.

JOHN: Then you ‘pick up the flower’. Right.

ALI: He got me stuff for the bike.

JOHN: Then left, then right.

ALI: And I told him, no. It’s your money, it’s my bike.

JOHN: See? You’re remembering.

ALI: But he’s really good with bikes.

JOHN: And then deflect.

ALI: But I don’t want him spending all his benefit on my bike.

JOHN: And then kick. No, no. Straight to the head.

ALI: That’s my lamp.

JOHN: Nigerian army innit.

ALI: And that’s my wall.

JOHN: Try it again. That bike. I got him the piece for his bike. He needed it so I bought the bit. Cost me 16 quid. Didn’t have it but they said it was all right.

ALI: The cigarettes. I mean he offers everyone one and then leaves the box with me.

JOHN: I gave them some money. And then a bit more later. I don’t know what they took but it must have been 16 quid.

ALI: When he goes upstairs. I say: You. Can’t. Leave. Them. Here.

JOHN: Less. Yeah. Less. That’s what they said.

ALI: Look, here in the drawer. See? I keep them all here for him.

JOHN: I’m good with bikes.

ALI: I give them back to him when he’s got nothing.

JOHN: I worked on them, well engines mainly.

ALI: They never come round when he’s got nothing.

JOHN: My BTEC. But then they said I couldn’t no it no more.

ALI: But then he goes off and borrows money.

JOHN: Said I couldn’t do it no more. I was really good.

ALI: Just those people in the street. You know them.

JOHN: Libra you know.

ALI: And then he comes back with a bunch of beers. One for him and he gives the others away.

JOHN: But he’s a fish and you’re a goat.

ALI: And I’m telling him: They. Don’t. Give. You. Anything. Back.

JOHN: Yeah.

ALI: So I keep his fags for him.

JOHN: You see even if it’s not actually in that horoscope, the scales and the fish and the goat, they all get on, know what I mean.

ALI: Like you quietly give him back the beer he gives you.

ALI & JOHN: Because that’s what mates are for.

NICK: Erm…