MAY: I’ve got it. Ships! We need ships!
QUEEN: Of course we do dear. Erm do we?
MAY: Yes it’s sooo obvious.
QUEEN: Is it?
MAY: Well yes. Think about it, where are we?
QUEEN: In MY palace.
MAY: Not that, but we do need to talk about a remortgage. I’ll get my people to talk to your people. No, we’re on an ISLAND.
QUEEN: Which is why your idea for a wall…
MAY: Was rescheduled yes of course. But ships. We’ll build an ARMADA!
QUEEN: We are an island I’ll concede, but why do you need an armada, dearie? I never quite understood why we needed a wall.
MAY: An armada will defend us, just like it defended England and the other queen, what was her name?
QUEEN: (DRILY) Elizabeth.
MAY: Whatever. The ships will defend us. We’ll fight them on the beaches, we’ll fight them on the, erm, White Cliffs of Dover, the…
QUEEN: Duty-free offies of Calais?
MAY: I can picture it. My shining armour, my white charger, streaming through the fields of wheat.
QUEEN: The ships, dearie?
MAY: Them too. They’ll defend our great nation.
QUEEN: Aren’t we the ones running?
MAY: Sort of but no.
QUEEN: You’ll need a bit of money.
MAY: For my friends?
QUEEN: For the ships. You’ll have to find some.
MAY: For my friends, exactly. I know a man with a ministry who can rustle some up.
QUEEN: And you’ll need a Walter Raleigh.
MAY: Oh yes.
GRAYLING: So this is my good good friend Ben Sharp.
MAY: Our Walter Raleigh!
SHARP: Indeed. (TAKES MAY’S HAND) Is this the hand that has long held the small hand of the great American leader Donald Trump not once but on two separate occasions?
MAY: Indeed you may.
SHARP: And when do I start?
MAY: Now would be good.
SHARP: (TURNS TO LEAVE) Excellent, I’ll see you in the trenches.
GRAYLING: One moment, my good good friend?
GRAYLING: You forgot your £13.8 million.
PORT OF RAMSGATE.
MAY: So this is where the great battle was fought.
GRAYLING: Oh yes Ma’am. It was glorious and tweeted the length and breadth of our appropriately also glorious nation.
MAY: And Instagram?
GRAYLING: The breadth and length of the nation also, I can assure you.
MAY: And there was a great rout of the, erm, enemy?
GRAYLING: Indeed. We part-dredged the port. We, erm, yes. Indeed. Oh, a great victory. We showed them.
MAY: We did indeed. That’s one for the history books. And how many ships did we lose?
GRAYLING: None, Ma’am.
MAY: And how many ships remain in our great armada?
GRAYLING: None, Ma’am.
MAY: Ah, that’s what we’re looking at right now.
MAY: And our great commander of the fleet, where might he be?
GRAYLING: Erm, before any contract was signed, due diligence on Seaborne Freight was carried out both by senior officials at the Department for Transport, and highly reputable independent third party organisations.
MAY: That’s not quite what I asked. He’s perhaps inspecting a ship?
GRAYLING: And the Department publicly acknowledges that we had failed to secure any written guarantees of Seaborne Freight’s financial security before giving my good good friend Ben Sharp £13.8 million.
MAY: But still a great victory, eh? We showed them. Commander Sharp really should be here for the honours ceremony. I have a knighthood for him in my pocket. It was Philip Green’s so it’s a bit used but I don’t think anyone will notice.
GRAYLING: Mr Sharp sends his regrets, but he’s presently in America. I believe he is selling his fleet to that nice Mr Trump.
MAY: To patrol his border wall of course?
GRAYLING: Erm, yeah.
MAY: I can always give the knighthood to Donald. This’ll storm the News at Ten.