ARMADA

BUCKINGHAM PALACE.

MAY: I’ve got it. Ships! We need ships!

QUEEN: Of course we do dear. Erm do we?

MAY: Yes it’s sooo obvious.

QUEEN: Is it?

MAY: Well yes. Think about it, where are we?

QUEEN: In MY palace.

MAY: Not that, but we do need to talk about a remortgage. I’ll get my people to talk to your people. No, we’re on an ISLAND.

QUEEN: Which is why your idea for a wall…

MAY: Was rescheduled yes of course. But ships. We’ll build an ARMADA!

QUEEN: We are an island I’ll concede, but why do you need an armada, dearie? I never quite understood why we needed a wall.

MAY: An armada will defend us, just like it defended England and the other queen, what was her name?

QUEEN: (DRILY) Elizabeth.

MAY: Whatever. The ships will defend us. We’ll fight them on the beaches, we’ll fight them on the, erm, White Cliffs of Dover, the…

QUEEN: Duty-free offies of Calais?

MAY: I can picture it. My shining armour, my white charger, streaming through the fields of wheat.

QUEEN: The ships, dearie?

MAY: Them too. They’ll defend our great nation.

QUEEN: Aren’t we the ones running?

MAY: Sort of but no.

QUEEN: You’ll need a bit of money.

MAY: For my friends?

QUEEN: For the ships. You’ll have to find some.

MAY: For my friends, exactly. I know a man with a ministry who can rustle some up.

QUEEN: And you’ll need a Walter Raleigh.

MAY: Oh yes.

DOWNING STREET.

GRAYLING: So this is my good good friend Ben Sharp.

MAY: Our Walter Raleigh!

SHARP: Indeed. (TAKES MAY’S HAND) Is this the hand that has long held the small hand of the great American leader Donald Trump not once but on two separate occasions?

MAY: Indeed you may.

SHARP: And when do I start?

MAY: Now would be good.

SHARP: (TURNS TO LEAVE) Excellent, I’ll see you in the trenches.

GRAYLING: One moment, my good good friend?

SHARP: Yes?

GRAYLING: You forgot your £13.8 million.

PORT OF RAMSGATE.

MAY: So this is where the great battle was fought.

GRAYLING: Oh yes Ma’am. It was glorious and tweeted the length and breadth of our appropriately also glorious nation.

MAY: And Instagram?

GRAYLING: The breadth and length of the nation also, I can assure you.

MAY: And there was a great rout of the, erm, enemy?

GRAYLING: Indeed. We part-dredged the port. We, erm, yes. Indeed. Oh, a great victory. We showed them.

MAY: We did indeed. That’s one for the history books. And how many ships did we lose?

GRAYLING: None, Ma’am.

MAY: And how many ships remain in our great armada?

GRAYLING: None, Ma’am.

MAY: Ah, that’s what we’re looking at right now.

GRAYLING: Indeed.

MAY: And our great commander of the fleet, where might he be?

GRAYLING: Erm, before any contract was signed, due diligence on Seaborne Freight was carried out both by senior officials at the Department for Transport, and highly reputable independent third party organisations.

MAY: That’s not quite what I asked. He’s perhaps inspecting a ship?

GRAYLING: And the Department publicly acknowledges that we had failed to secure any written guarantees of Seaborne Freight’s financial security before giving my good good friend Ben Sharp £13.8 million.

MAY: But still a great victory, eh? We showed them. Commander Sharp really should be here for the honours ceremony. I have a knighthood for him in my pocket. It was Philip Green’s so it’s a bit used but I don’t think anyone will notice.

GRAYLING: Mr Sharp sends his regrets, but he’s presently in America. I believe he is selling his fleet to that nice Mr Trump.

MAY: To patrol his border wall of course?

GRAYLING: Erm, yeah.

MAY: I can always give the knighthood to Donald. This’ll storm the News at Ten.

ENDS