SANCTIONED

LONDON, DOWNING STREET.

PRIME MINISTER: Good morning, good afternoon, good day!

CLAIMANT: I’ve a serious bad feeling that I’m up to be betrayed.

Why am I here, I’ve asked and still no one’s told me why.

PRIME MINISTER: I’m not sure too why you’re here, I won’t lie

But my people assure me you’re absolutely part of the agenda

But oh look, if my eyes don’t deceive me, you’re there in the diary

So tell me (BEAT) do tell me (BEAT)—

CLAIMANT: —I surrender?

PRIME MINISTER: Oh come now Miss, erm Mrs, erm Ms, looking at your inquiry…

CLAIMANT: I made no inquiry, it’s you who’s asked me here.

PRIME MINISTER: Well if that’s the case then you have nothing to fear.

We’re transparent, diverse, always here to serve the people.

The nation indeed always at service of the Great British People.

Erm aren’t we?

HOME SECRETARY: Oh yes Prime Minister, that we are.

PRIME MINISTER: Excellent and I think you’ll find we maintain a high bar.

CLAIMANT: I don’t mean to disrespect but no one’s still said

Why I’m sat here, there’s nowt in the letter I read

You’re the Prime Minister and blimey this is Downing Street I can see,

But I’ve not got a clue you’ll appreciate of what you want from me.

PRIME MINISTER: Ah… You see.. Erm and ah, (TO HOME SECRETARY) what DOES she see?

HOME SECRETARY: I think you’ll find Prime Minister as we discussed—

PRIME MINISTER: Yes?

HOME SECRETARY: —That this person whose name I can’t quite find—

CLAIMANT: Oh I’m not fussed.

HOME SECRETARY: —Is here at the express invitation of my Ministry

And she has come here of her own volition quite willingly.

CLAIMANT: Oh steady on.

HOME SECRETARY: —Quite willingly as a specimen let us say—

CLAIMANT: Specimen, is that what I am? That’ll be the day.

PRIME MINISTER: Do let the Home Secretary speak, she does have something to say.

THE HOME SECRETARY PULLS HERSELF UP IN A RATHER SELF-IMPORTANT WAY. BEFORE SHE CAN SPEAK HOWEVER…

CLAIMANT: Well that’s the problem, your honour, your whatever.

I’ve not had MY say, and whatever they say, I never,

No I never did what they say, I did not ever.

PRIME MINISTER: So, if I may ask the Home Secretary, she’s not here for an award?

CLAIMANT: That’s rich i’nt it, since they’ve just accused me of fraud.

PRIME MINISTER: Then why is she here, do we or we not need to call for security?

HOME SECRETARY: There’s no need for that though she is a bit snarky.

CLAIMANT: Oh sorry if I’d known, I’d’ve behaved meself for the oligarchy.

So why AM I here..?

LONG PAUSE. CLAIMANT AND PRIME MINISTER SLOWLY SWIVEL TOWARDS HOME SECRETARY.

HOME SECRETARY: Well, it’s a red letter day, a moment for the nation,

That’ll given each honest taxpayer cause for celebration.

For this citizen here of our brave United Kingdom

Is here to be honoured for the accomplishment she’s done.

CLAIMANT: And what have I done? As I said, you accused me of fraud.

Which is hardly a situation for which you’ll applaud.

Is it…?

LONG PAUSE. CLAIMANT AND PRIME MINISTER SLOWLY SWIVEL TOWARDS HOME SECRETARY.

HOME SECRETARY: (CLEARS THROAT) We’re facing a bit of a national emergency,

It’s on account of all this widespread social divergency

That many have blamed the government policies for,

But I’ll just blame it on the unpatriotic class war,

That rabble we call the people who just won’t be quiet

And not do what we tell them and instead just riot.

PRIME MINISTER: Oh come now Home Secretary there’s no fighting in the streets.

HOME SECRETARY: You’re not wrong Prime Minister… but they’re THINKING IT!

The insurrection in their minds, they’re not listening to the elites,

Us who know better, who always do for them what’s best.

But now the people are costing us money

And there’s not one of our rich cronies that finds it funny.

(The pressure you can imagine from our infulential rich cronies…)

PRIME MINISTER: A terrible situation Home Secretary, horrendous to be true.

But tell me good citizen what’s it to do with you?

CLAIMANT: (ABOUT TO SPEAK)

HOME SECRETARY: Before she responds Prime Minister allow me please

To show you the contents of another one of these.

SHE HANDS OVER A BULGING DOSSIER TO THE PRIME MINISTER.

THE PRIME MINISTER TAKES IT AND PORES OVER ITS CONTENTS.

PRIME MINISTER: Hmm, I see, ooh really, oh very interesting, surely not that, indeed!

CLAIMANT: And what’s that may I ask? You won’t make me plead.

For if before your eyes that’s my case, I’m not guilty.

PRIME MINISTER: Benefit fraud is a heinous crime—

CLAIMANT: —But I’ve never done owt like that in my whole life time.

HOME SECRETARY: She committed a crime—

CLAIMANT: —I got a job!

HOME SECRETARY: —She worked two hours more, two hours

More than her allowance —

CLAIMANT: —I worked eighteen hours!

HOME SECRETARY: Knowingly she did, may I refer you to the Benefits Calculator dot gov dot uk?

Sixteen shall you work and no more, fair play.

CLAIMANT: But listen to me please Prime Minister, you see,

I didn’t vote for you but I thought you’d help me.

I’ve two kids and no husband and I’m drowning in debt

To feed us and clothe us and whatever else I can get.

PRIME MINISTER: So you sponge off the state, you can’t stand on your feet?

CLAIMANT: How dare you! I can cook, clean, change dirty sheets,

I can carry, change nappies, stack shelves, you name it.

Give me an education and I’ll do more, just you name it.

But whatever, and believe me, I’m desperate to work.

PRIME MINISTER: Commendable I’m sure, but the question still lurks

Of the two errant hours that you worked extra each week.

CLAIMANT: But I worked just the one, now my future looks bleak.

I was honest and told you it was the only job on offer,

That I begged with them to drop my hours but they just couldn’t bother.

And when I told you you cut me off, so here I stand before you…

Sanctioned.

PRIME MINISTER: Sanctioned?

HOME SECRETARY: Sanctioned, sent to the back of the queue.

PRIME MINISTER: You are to be commended for your honesty, but justice we must wield.

HOME SECRETARY: The sad fact is that we’re committed to equal opportunity, level playing fields—

PRIME MINISTER: God no!

HOME SECRETARY: —transparency and open access, open to all,

That we must acknowledge all achievements, always play ball

By REWARDING our citizens even those who kill and rob.

And this one is here gets the award for those without jobs—

CLAIMANT: But I had a job…

HOME SECRETARY: —The Universal Credit Ten Millionth Person To Be Sanctioned Award.

PRIME MINISTER: Well then it gives me great displeasure… Where’s the sword?

HOME SECRETARY: That’s the Queen, Prime Minister. What we need is a medal.

PRIME MINISTER: And here’s one here right on my desk, let’s do it quick before she (INDICATES THE HONE SECRETARY) backpedals.

CLAIMANT: (AS SHE RECEIVES THE HONOUR) Oh thank you very much. I’ve never had one of those. Do I curtsey or what?

PRIME MINISTER & HOME SECRETARY: No. Off you go. You sanctioned twat.

ENDS